The Assignment to End All Assignments

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack. He was a very shy boy; he rarely had the guts to make friends. As a result, he became very lonely and introverted. He began to wonder when, if ever, he would get the courage to make a friend. He waited and waited throughout his entire high school career, but he just couldn’t build up the nerve to say a word to anyone. This, however, is not his story.
In fact, this story doesn’t even involve the same characters at all. This is a story of a little girl named Joanna. She was an extremely extroverted, outgoing little girl. She got killed when she was five. There were no witnesses. But let me tell you about her life.
When Joanna was born, her parents were thrilled. They had been trying for years to have a baby girl, and all they ever got were boys. Not that they didn’t like having sons, but twenty? Yeah, that’s a lot of testosterone. The mother was going crazy for sure. But then Joanna came along, to the delight of our mother and father characters, and with her came a new sense of hope that spread throughout the household of 22 (now 23). At long last! A baby girl! She would definitely get the full attention of her parents. Their sons could take care of themselves.
The sense of hope among the 20 sons soon faded and was replaced by extreme jealousy. What made Joanna so special? Why did she deserve to be treated any differently than they were? A few of the boys debated getting sex changes, but the majority of them decided it would be best to form a street gang and cause trouble in the city. Perhaps acting out would get their parents’ attention.
Unfortunately, it did not. In fact, the street gang was soon broken up by the local authorities and everyone involved was sent to prison for life for vandalizing the local train yard. Ha! Laughed the brothers who were now sisters. Clearly, they had the right idea. Well, maybe not. Their parents still gave all of their attention to Joanna, and they seemed a little weirded out when five girls walked into their house claiming to be theirs. But these five sister/brother/daughter/sons were not ready to give up yet.
For Joanna’s third birthday, her parents got her a new car. The daughter/sons got twelve dollars’ worth of bubblegum for their birthdays. When Joanna turned eight, she was dead. The daughter/sons stayed alive. Ha! They thought. I guess we win this round.
But they did not win, for the mother and father gave Joanna a treehouse for her eighth birthday. What does a dead girl need a tree house for? She doesn’t, but they built it on top of her grave anyway. The daughter/sons got three new pairs of pants. Men’s pants. They got three pairs of men’s pants to split among five not-men. Yipee.
While in prison, the 15 sons decided that they didn’t want to leave. They enjoyed the attention and care they got from the guards. It was more than they got at home, that’s for sure. So they decided it would be best to ensure that they never left. They began to plan a crime, code-named “The Assignment to End All Assignments.”
The daughter/sons were very disappointed that they were still not receiving the attention they so craved. So they burned down the treehouse that stood over Joanna’s grave. While it burned, they chanted something, but no one can remember/heard what it was. But either way, it was kind of Satanic and creepy looking. Imagine a whole bunch of guys who got sex changes standing in a graveyard chanting something while standing around a burning treehouse. Got it? Ok, that’s how it looked. Creepy.
The 15 sons decided that “The Assignment to End All Assignments” would be a great code-name for their crime, because it was completely irrelevant to the actual crime. There was no assignment, and nothing would be ended. In fact, their time in prison would continue, if they were lucky.
One person who witnessed the treehouse burning ceremony decided that it was creepy and ran away. That was probably a good idea.