When I was four, I learned that I am invincible. That’s right, invincible. For real. Like, I can’t die. I found this out when I fell into a wood chipper. Instead of getting all ground up, the wood chipper got jammed and spit me back out right before I hit the blades. Luck? No, invincibility. You are probably still thinking this is a coincidence and that I just got lucky. But consider this.
There was another incident when I was four that involved a bottle of gasoline, a tarp, and a box of firecrackers, but that’s irrelevant. The real incident that further enforced my theory of invincibility took place across town from the gigantic explosion. I was sitting on a bench in the park on a sunny day licking an ice cream cone, enjoying the shade that was provided by a gigantic oak tree. I was whistling a little tune to myself when all of a sudden a robber ran by, followed closely by two cops.
When the robber saw me, he picked me up and held a gun to my head, threatening to kill me if the police officers got any closer. The police officers stopped in their tracks and looked at each other with fear and confusion on their faces. They didn’t know what to do! All of a sudden, a squirrel jumped out of the gigantic oak tree and landed on my face. Alarmed, I started thrashing violently. In my thrashing, I ended up hitting the robber in the face and breaking his nose. As he screamed in pain, the police officers quickly shot and killed the man. See? I’m invincible.
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